IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA (con’d)

Or, you can pretend you are in bed with a professional boxer.  He wears his mouthguard proudly!  He just knocked his opponent out!  He is a champion!  You might want to play “We are the champions of the world” by Queen to add to the victorious mood.  After all, your husband IS 75 and so what if his is not a mouthguard but a snore guard?  When you are fantasizing, do you care about the details?

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA?

You shake your head.  You know for sure now that your bedroom is no longer sexy.  Your husband, who has another 20-25 years left is hooked to a machine and appears to be on life support.  And indeed, the cpap can save a man’s life!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Your husband clears his throat.  He has heard your mutterings.  He does not want you sleeping in the other bedroom even though you know you are headed there.  He begs his doctor for an alternative.  For starters, his ENT specialist suggests a snore guard.

You husband orders a snore guard on www.feelgood.com.  And you wonder about the name of that company.

Well, for starters, you can play Famous Fantasy Football Fuck.  In fact, your husband has his old footballs shirt and one from his favorite pro football team.  So you can change up your role playing.  He can be a sexy, twenty-something, roughing it up in the park, showing you all his moves.  Or he can be a pro-player, loaded with money.  Either way, he needs his mouth guard.  

 

SO MY HUSBAND HAS SLEEP APNEA…

Five years ago we went shopping for a new mattress.  After trying out all kinds, we decided on the Sleep Number bed that adjusts firmness.  You loved playing with the remote that made the head go up or down, and the feet go up and down.  Then we picked out a modern four poster – the kind that holds those gauzy curtains, the kind you saw in those Caribbean hotels you went to every winter vacation, the kind that blow in the wind.  You are a romantic.

BUT NOW your bed no longer reminds you of those 5-star hotels.  The curtains no longer remind you of the Trade Winds.  NO!  Your bed reminds you of the hospital bed your husband was in when he came out from his surgeries.  The curtain reminds you of the privacy curtains you opened and closed in the hospital rooms he shared with strangers.

To add insult to injury, your husband has been told that his sleep apnea is now severe and he needs the CPAP machine.  CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure therapy.  It used a hose and a mask or nosepiece to deliver constant steady air pressure.  For the rest of us, however, the CPAP looks an awful lot like a breathing machine.  That’s right.  You put the mask on and you plug yourself in.    To be continued…

SO MY HUSBAND WAS TOLD HIS SLEEP APNEA NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED.

Five years ago we went shopping for a new mattress.  After trying out all kinds, we decided on the Sleep Number bed that adjusts firmness.  You loved playing with the remote that made the head go up or down, and the feet go up and down.  Then we picked out a modern four poster – the kind that holds those gauzy curtains, the kind you saw in those Caribbean hotels you went to every winter vacation, the kind that blow in the wind.  You are a romantic.

BUT NOW your bed no longer reminds you of those 5-star hotels.  The curtains no longer remind you of the Trade Winds.  NO!  Your bed reminds you of the hospital bed your husband was in when he came out from his surgeries.  The curtain reminds you of the privacy curtains you opened and closed in the hospital rooms he shared with strangers.

To add insult to injury, your husband has been told that his sleep apnea is now severe and he needs the CPAP machine.  CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure therapy.  It used a hose and a mask or nosepiece to deliver constant steady air pressure.  For the rest of us, however, the CPAP looks an awful lot like a breathing machine.  That’s right.  You put the mask on and you plug yourself in.    To be continued…

 

 

 

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA?

I am presenting a book talk about my book:  RAGING AGAINST AGING tomorrow but I intend to include some new material I am working on.  I have an idea for a graphic novel entitled:  “IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA?”

I mean, first they tell you to “AGE WITH DIGNITY.”  Then they sing:  “YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY!”

THEN THEY hand your husband a C-PAP machine with the mask!  Your husband is thinking – ‘THEY JUST TOOK AWAY MY DIGNITY!” and you are thinking that even though this is a breathing machine it sure looks like an oxygen machine.

And you are both wondering if there is a shred of romance to be had!download-1.jpg

SEVEN MORE BOOKS SOLD RECENTLY!

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How do I know? Because I get reports online!  For ALL those considering publishing, I would recommend you look into KDP.  They are now offering formatting books program and webinars to help you promote.  I have ANOTHER book talk beginning mid April in Woodbury, NY.  Anyone interested, please message me.

 

 

So what will we do when summer ends and winter comes? I mean Smoothies are great in hot weather…

I came up with the solution:  Silicon Soup!  I will teach Phil to make soup and then he can pour the silica gel into it.  If it is harmless to eat, even though the label says:  “Do Not Eat,” then it must be safer than Botox because I doubt the label on Botox says:  “Harmless to ingest.”

Then Phil can become Silicon Chef and offer nutritious food WITH the added benefit of smoothing out the wrinkles simultaneously.  If my tongue and throat got tight, which they did, I mean just think what it can do the wrinkles!

So who thinks that my husband may have just invented the next big thing?

Maybe he invented Silicone Smoothie?  The next big thing ?  Better than botox?   I will let you know if my face is smoother, firmer, younger looking.  Then you can ask my husband to make Silicon Smoothie for you!

And thanks to my experience, you can drink it without worrying about whether or not you ingested something harmful!

So do I really want to grow old with him?

So my husband made me a protein shake – with a vegan base, cherry juice, almond milk, and blackberries.  If you drink 5 cups of liquid before 11:00 a.m., you are basically ensuring that you will be well hydrated for the day ahead.

I drank a glass, and then went for a second.  I felt the plastic in my mouth.  I took it out and realized that a silica gel pack must have dropped from the vega-based protein into the blender and was now on its way down to my stomach.

I panicked.  I called the 24-hour nurse hotline on my insurance card.  The nurse was not definitive.  She couldn’t tell me if I was ok or not.  She told me to call 911 and have the paramedics check me out.  The packet I showed them said:  “Do not eat” but also  “Contains a Harmless Substance.”  Phil was screaming :  “Don’t let them take you to the hospital.  It will be 6-8 hours before they let you go.”  And no one was telling me if what I swallowed is harmless or poisonous!

Phil got in touch with my daughter who Gooogled it up.  “What happens if you ingest silica pack?”  and the answer:  “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.”  By that time, the paramedics had gotten in touch with Poison Control and they confirmed I did not need to go to the hospital.

Would you want to grow old with a man that doesn’t notice a silica packet dropping into the blender?