LIFE IN SIMPLE TERMS

 

If you would have told me that I would write a book when I retired, I would never have believed you.  If you would have told me that I would spend a lot of time preparing all kinds of vegetable dishes in my retirement, I would never have believed you.  If you had told me that we would be working in our retirement and still be paying a mortgage, I would never have believed you.  

Yet, here we are.  My book is still selling and I still have great reviews.  My compost bin is full of vegetable clippings since our dietician insists that vegetables are the way to go.  I find vegetables boring so I spend more and more time trying to find exotic ways to couch the plain vegetables we are supposed to eat.  Half a plate of them at each meal!  Plus, we are not allowed to add salt.  I am still tutoring, even more than last year.  My husband is still tutoring any chance he gets.  We are still paying down a first mortgage and yes, we have an equity line.  I guess we are doing okay because they always ask if we have a second equity line in addition, and they are always impressed that we do not.

I find I do not have the energy I used to have.  If I go food shopping, I cook the next day.  If I cook one day, I do the laundry the day after.  One day, one activity.  And on the days that we exercise, well, that IS the activity.  

If you told me that I would stop caring about my house and let things slide a little, NO one would have believed you.  Yet, I look the other way a lot now.  

So that is how aging happens.  It creeps up on you.  You focus on the past.  You appreciate what you have been through.  You obsess about health – yours and your loved ones.  And you see the future through your grandkids.  You are not that relevant and you know it.  But the grandkids…they are the raison d’être, and you focus on them.  When you go on vacation, you don’t bring home souvenirs because honestly, who needs them?  But you send age appropriate ones to your grandkids.  You want them to be comfortable in the big world and you want the big world to open up to them.  And you have to stop your thoughts from going there, to the dark places, to the real concerns, the real fears and worries – the pollution, the climate, the out of control weapons grade guns that are everywhere.  You have to stop your mind from thinking about the future of our democracy.  You have to stop seeing the robots that are now appearing everywhere, including our very own supermarket.  You have to focus on the good.  So you do.  And you are already counting the minutes till you see your grandkids again.

MY PROMO was very successful!

It led to new sales and the stats are showing me that in this month alone, over 300 NEW people read my book!  Thank you http://www.kindle.com!

My promo is over in 2 days and so far…

221 people are reading my book over the last 3 days.

MY PROMO JUST STARTED AND 155 PEOPLE ARE READING MY BOOK!

Thank you KINDLE for suggesting that I offer a free promo.  And just in time for Mother’s Day.   http://www.kindle.com RAGING AGAINST AGING: Kicking & screaming, laughing & crying, stretching & kvetching by Jacqueline Becker.  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR LIKES SO FAR

A writer must write but it’s like that old joke – if a tree falls in a forest and no one heard it, did it really fall?  If I write and no one responds, did I really write?  So your likes and comments ARE WHAT KEEPS ME GOING. MORE IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA ON MONDAY AFTER THE HOLIDAY!

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA? (con’d)

Of course, if basketball is your sport, you know that the professional players all wear mouth guards.  Your man can play any position ——— figuratively and literally.  In fact his snore guard makes him appear younger, sexier, and more desirable especially if you take your reading glasses off.  You are so blind, that without your reading glasses you really cannot tell the difference between a mouthguard and a snore guard, a twenty year old and your husband, a muscular athlete and your old man.  So have a beer, and show that team spirit!  And bring on your own kind of Miami Heat!

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA? (CON’D)

Of course, if basketball is your sport, you know that the professional players all wear mouth guards.  Your man can play any position ——— figuratively and literally.  In fact his snore guard makes him appear younger, sexier, and more desirable especially if you take your reading glasses off.  You are so blind, that without your reading glasses you really cannot tell the difference between a mouthguard and a snore guard, a twenty year old and your husband, a muscular athlete and your old man.  So have a beer, and show that team spirit!  And bring on your own kind of Miami Heat!

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA (con’d)

Or, you can pretend you are in bed with a professional boxer.  He wears his mouthguard proudly!  He just knocked his opponent out!  He is a champion!  You might want to play “We are the champions of the world” by Queen to add to the victorious mood.  After all, your husband IS 75 and so what if his is not a mouthguard but a snore guard?  When you are fantasizing, do you care about the details?

IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA?

You shake your head.  You know for sure now that your bedroom is no longer sexy.  Your husband, who has another 20-25 years left is hooked to a machine and appears to be on life support.  And indeed, the cpap can save a man’s life!

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Your husband clears his throat.  He has heard your mutterings.  He does not want you sleeping in the other bedroom even though you know you are headed there.  He begs his doctor for an alternative.  For starters, his ENT specialist suggests a snore guard.

You husband orders a snore guard on www.feelgood.com.  And you wonder about the name of that company.

Well, for starters, you can play Famous Fantasy Football Fuck.  In fact, your husband has his old footballs shirt and one from his favorite pro football team.  So you can change up your role playing.  He can be a sexy, twenty-something, roughing it up in the park, showing you all his moves.  Or he can be a pro-player, loaded with money.  Either way, he needs his mouth guard.  

 

SO MY HUSBAND HAS SLEEP APNEA…

Five years ago we went shopping for a new mattress.  After trying out all kinds, we decided on the Sleep Number bed that adjusts firmness.  You loved playing with the remote that made the head go up or down, and the feet go up and down.  Then we picked out a modern four poster – the kind that holds those gauzy curtains, the kind you saw in those Caribbean hotels you went to every winter vacation, the kind that blow in the wind.  You are a romantic.

BUT NOW your bed no longer reminds you of those 5-star hotels.  The curtains no longer remind you of the Trade Winds.  NO!  Your bed reminds you of the hospital bed your husband was in when he came out from his surgeries.  The curtain reminds you of the privacy curtains you opened and closed in the hospital rooms he shared with strangers.

To add insult to injury, your husband has been told that his sleep apnea is now severe and he needs the CPAP machine.  CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure therapy.  It used a hose and a mask or nosepiece to deliver constant steady air pressure.  For the rest of us, however, the CPAP looks an awful lot like a breathing machine.  That’s right.  You put the mask on and you plug yourself in.    To be continued…