A writer must write but it’s like that old joke – if a tree falls in a forest and no one heard it, did it really fall? If I write and no one responds, did I really write? So your likes and comments ARE WHAT KEEPS ME GOING. MORE IS THERE SEX AFTER SLEEP APNEA ON MONDAY AFTER THE HOLIDAY!
Of course, if basketball is your sport, you know that the professional players all wear mouth guards. Your man can play any position ——— figuratively and literally. In fact his snore guard makes him appear younger, sexier, and more desirable especially if you take your reading glasses off. You are so blind, that without your reading glasses you really cannot tell the difference between a mouthguard and a snore guard, a twenty year old and your husband, a muscular athlete and your old man. So have a beer, and show that team spirit! And bring on your own kind of Miami Heat!
Or, you can pretend you are in bed with a professional boxer. He wears his mouthguard proudly! He just knocked his opponent out! He is a champion! You might want to play “We are the champions of the world” by Queen to add to the victorious mood. After all, your husband IS 75 and so what if his is not a mouthguard but a snore guard? When you are fantasizing, do you care about the details?
You shake your head. You know for sure now that your bedroom is no longer sexy. Your husband, who has another 20-25 years left is hooked to a machine and appears to be on life support. And indeed, the cpap can save a man’s life!
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Your husband clears his throat. He has heard your mutterings. He does not want you sleeping in the other bedroom even though you know you are headed there. He begs his doctor for an alternative. For starters, his ENT specialist suggests a snore guard.
You husband orders a snore guard on www.feelgood.com. And you wonder about the name of that company.
Well, for starters, you can play Famous Fantasy Football Fuck. In fact, your husband has his old footballs shirt and one from his favorite pro football team. So you can change up your role playing. He can be a sexy, twenty-something, roughing it up in the park, showing you all his moves. Or he can be a pro-player, loaded with money. Either way, he needs his mouth guard.
Five years ago we went shopping for a new mattress. After trying out all kinds, we decided on the Sleep Number bed that adjusts firmness. You loved playing with the remote that made the head go up or down, and the feet go up and down. Then we picked out a modern four poster – the kind that holds those gauzy curtains, the kind you saw in those Caribbean hotels you went to every winter vacation, the kind that blow in the wind. You are a romantic.
BUT NOW your bed no longer reminds you of those 5-star hotels. The curtains no longer remind you of the Trade Winds. NO! Your bed reminds you of the hospital bed your husband was in when he came out from his surgeries. The curtain reminds you of the privacy curtains you opened and closed in the hospital rooms he shared with strangers.
To add insult to injury, your husband has been told that his sleep apnea is now severe and he needs the CPAP machine. CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure therapy. It used a hose and a mask or nosepiece to deliver constant steady air pressure. For the rest of us, however, the CPAP looks an awful lot like a breathing machine. That’s right. You put the mask on and you plug yourself in. To be continued…
But we are on vacation and it is time for dinner. I don’t know how my mind wandered all around like that. I gently wake my husband up. No matter how tired, no matter how long or short a nap he takes, no matter how well or how poorly he has slept, my husband always wakes up fully and he is always in a happy mood. He is so sweet natured that I want to kiss him. He might however, mistake this tender gesture, and we may never get to dinner. I remember that once upon a time that flattered and excited me. Two years before Shelley was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, she had said to me in confidence: “Now that the lovemaking is over, I just want to be loved.” I had no idea what she was talking about. But now I just want to eat and sleep. I want to be taken care of, too.